Olivetti 45 — I was hoping to show her the true meaning of the ever-popular opelugkonsert. She was meant to have the experience that became so famous in the 60s and that I enjoyed in Pretoria at the joolplaas with other students, singing along and dancing to Fokofpolisiekar without a care in pouring rain and mud. Granted, I couldn’t afford the Oppikoppi experience this weekend (Bewilderbeast, right?) so this radio-station hosted orchestra-backed nature reserve gig was the next best thing.
It probably was my fault that we struggled to get in; I hardly ever remember to confirm my own attendance. It took some sweet-talking to get those tape-like bracelets weighed down by the responsibility to take decent photographs for a story to be handed in on Monday. Finally, I convinced the security management services to fetch them from the Kloofendal Nature Reserve offices, where four press tickets were stashed. I only needed two after all, I explained. We struggled to keep the wine bundled up in that picnic blanket (am I guilty or nonchalant?). Other people had to hand over their liquor at the entrance or sneak it in (with the help of these “security” officials) by pouring it into disposable water bottles.
Once through the gates (at around 2.15pm while the concert started at 2pm) the next mission was to find a patch of grass to relax on. Quite the mess, considering that about 2 000 people were expected but that 4 000 people already were allowed into the grounds. It is not ideal for a journalist to camp out at the very back but hey, we were late.
Now I had to try and catch up on what Karen Zoid already had said and sang. Sadly, Aeroplane Jane was her introductory song and I couldn’t enjoy it fully while searching for a picnic spot. My grandmother finds her weird and unattractive, but I felt she was quite the host. Definitely the best one, among competitors Rian van Heerden (Rian from kykNET’s Rian) and some radio presenter. I don’t know his name and shoot me if I ever listen to a popular radio station – I do not even listen to my absolute favourite tracks three times a day and I will not voluntarily listen to any Minaj, Ke$ha (huh?) or whatever the hell it is that South Africans are apparently into. That being said, this show focused on hits from the 80s, 90s and now. Did they realise that 2000 to 2010 should also be considered a category? No. But whatever.
I already cringed when Karen Zoid started singing a Bruno Mars song, but with the backing of the orchestra it turned out quite brilliant. Although some performers weren’t all that bad (I recognised Karen Zoid and local artist Lily Million, whom I met at a previous charity concert) the chosen songs were somewhat terrible. I can mention two, maybe three songs that fell within acceptable taste parameters. And it always goes South from here – Nicholis Louw graced us with his falsetto version of a repertoire bo sy vuurmaakplek and Karlien van Jaarsveld, dear old Bôbby’s sister, made one Katy Perry song even worse than it originally was. The spectacular aspect of the show was really the dedication to the inclusion of local performers, which included a brass band, a set of drummers (they were packed so neatly on stage that they looked like matryoshka dolls) and a child orchestra comprising tiny musicians between 8 and 12 years old.
But by the time the grand finale was announced we were packed up and ready to start the search for my car, parked in some serious rooigrond with all sorts bushes and burnt grass. The real mission was to get away from this not-worth-R180-per-person mediocre mess. I am thankful for those plastic cups they handed out, though; they saved me the trouble of unwrapping new wine glasses. I mean no insult to the organisers since the money raised, I heard, is going towards some Angels programme, but I should’ve saved up for that Oppi ticket. The aftermath was a radio-less trip home with no superb photos – even the media wasn’t allowed beyond the clear barricades that separated musical intelligence from Roodepoort intelligence. I have enough to write that story, but what to write?
“Aeroplane Jane’s gone insane.”
